Review: Heir and the Spare by Emily Albright

The Heir and the Spare by Emily Albright

Publisher: Merit Press

Release Date: December 4, 2015

My Rating: ★

Goodreads

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      Going all the way to England for university–to Oxford no less–would be exciting enough. But no sooner does Evie set foot on English soil then she falls for a boy who turns out to be a real prince–in fact, second in line to the throne of England.  Edmund is wonderful, even though loving him can be a royal pain, from the demands of his family to the stuck-up aristocrat who thinks she should be the one to win Edmund's heart. 

      All that is swept aside, however, when the riddle of Evie's past surfaces, and the new couple becomes obsessed with figuring out who the real Evie is, with the growing suspicion that the truth will be a shocker.

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Wet socks and the Star Wars Christmas special both have something in common.  They suck.

Just like this book.

I’ll be honest; I only picked up this book in the first place because I thought the cover was cute.  When I read the premise I wasn’t expecting much, but I still had hope.  And with every chapter I completed that hope was slowly squashed out of me.  Just to be clear, I don’t have anything against fluffy romance.  I love a good bit of fluff.  But this book was like eating an entire cake in one go and then guzzling a pound of sugar.

        First of all, the diversity was at null.  Everyone, and I mean everyone, was white.  Then there was the plot: predictable and boring.  Girl meets boy.  They fall in love.  Oh no, trouble, they’re torn apart.  Back together again.  Torn apart again.  Back together again, happy ending yay. Blah blah blah blah yawn.  But let’s look at in more detail.  
         
         The book begins with Evangeline Grey (a name so reeking of mary-sueness, she’s just called Evie for the entire book).  She has just transferred to Oxford from some college in Pittsburgh because of a secret quest her dead mother is leading her on through letters.  She’s worried she won’t be able to fit in.  But not to worry!  She makes some insta-friends that are virtually indistinguishable from each other about five pages in.  This is also where she gets her first taste of British title snobbery when the obligatory mean girl makes some remark about Evie’s Americaness after flirting with one of Evie’s hot guy insta-friends.  Evie then says something lame that is supposed to be a cutting shut down…I think?

            Oh, speaking of the hot guy, meet Prince Edmund, aka “Mr. HottieMcHotDude”, who must either be the human torch for the fantastic four, or literally made of lava, since his every look blazes, his every touch burns, and everything he does is just so hot.  He’s basically perfect in every way.  Gag.  He’s the boring love interest of this story and I get the feeling that he’s the author’s ideal man, because she seems to gloss over a lot of things that could be perceived as negative traits, even going so far as to try and make some of these traits seem endearing, or even attractive.  But you know, just follow your heart, Evie! Don’t let the fact that he’s a noncommittal jerk stop your love story.  But more on that later.

Back to the plot, because Evie is such a self described dork, and so is Edmund, they start spending time together doing “dorky things,” like visiting museums, because according to this author, being cultured is dorky.  I think this was the part of the book where I was supposed to fall in love with the characters and see that they were just perfect together and omgee! Totally meant to be!  I didn’t happen.  Instead I just saw Evie slobbering over a boy who doesn’t know the meaning of personal space.

            After this we meet the reason that Evie and the prince can’t be together.  Her name is Lady Jacquelyn (or Jax, as everyone calls her).  She’s the person Edmund’s parents want him to marry.  And of course, she’s the worst.  This is all so you’re forced to see Evie as the only possible girl for Edmund.  Jax threatens Evie in the bathroom (because where else do cat fights go down?), telling her to stay away from Edmund.  This predictably makes Evie more determined than ever to get him.

            Then finally, after a massive five-chapter wait, Edmund asks Evie to be his date to a Halloween dance(At this dance we also get a glimpse at the token gay characters, whose relationship is mentioned about one or two more times in the entire book).  Jax conveniently shows up and ruins everything.  She then plants a wet one on Edmund, who does nothing.  I guess this big strong handsome guy is not strong enough to pry a toothpick girl off himself?  Jax surprise kissing Edmund seems to happen a lot in the book, and he does nothing to stop it each time.

            But does Edmund refusing choose either girl over the other deter Evie?  You bet it doesn’t!  After a few chapters of noncrises and painful cheesy dialog, Edmund and Evie are finally together.  And they make out.  A lot.  Never in my life have I felt so awkward reading a romance scene.  The author does such a horrible job setting up these two characters that I had absolutely no emotional connection to them whatsoever.  So when they get together and start snogging it up, it feels more like watching two strangers make out in public.  Awkward.

            It is never made clear what they are to each other, as Edmund doesn’t really want to label things.  Shouldn’t that be a red flag to Evie?  Honestly, any normal girl would have kicked his princely butt to the curb ages ago.  But not Evie, she can’t do that because he makes her feel like she’s on fire, which I guess equals love.

            This all doesn’t even mention the “main plot” which really ends up some underdeveloped side plot, plowed over by the star struck romance.  In this side plot Evie discovered her estranged grandmother is a duchess, making her the heiress.  Which is super convenient, because now it’s totally cool with everyone if she dates the prince, so no problems there.  What a relief.

            The book ends in the most ridiculously predictable way, of epic romcom proportions when Edmund flies out to Pittsburgh ahead of Evie as she leaves England to confess his undying love, then of course she’s swept off her feet and they live happily ever after.  Of course it needs to have a happy ending.  But what should have happened was that Evie goes back to Pittsburgh and forgets all about Edmund.  This book glorifies a relationship that is not only realistic, but toxic.  Evie doesn’t know how to think for herself.  She has moment where she starts to, but then she get swept right back into Edmund’s little world.  Edmund on the other hand, is horribly entitled and seems to assume Evie will end up with him in the end.  In the mean time he has another girl throwing herself at him and he doesn’t make her back off.  He makes some weak attempts at first that don’t change anything.  It isn’t until the very end that he chooses to send this other girl packing.  In the mean time, he gets into many suggestive situations, and doesn’t offer any good explanation to poor Evie who’s just left to wonder are they dating?  Are they not?  Is he still going to choose Jax over her?  Because Edmund never bothers to clarify, and then at the end acts like she should have known all along.

            Final Verdict:  This book was boring, predictable, and slightly infuriating.  On the plus side, if you’re an author hoping to get published, this book should give you hope.  If it can get published, yours certainly can too.